Legacy of Wisdom

For those who might be interested, I've just finished my latest game prototype, Legacy of Wisdom, and entered it into the Experimental Gameplay Project, with the theme for this month being a "Zero-Button" game.

The link of the game can be found here: http://dark-manifesto.blogspot.com/2010/08/legacy-of-wisdom.html

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Game Synopsis

“I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.” - Abraham Lincoln -

Designed based on the Experimental Gameplay Project theme of a "Zero Button Game" (August 2010) , Legacy of Wisdom's main gameplay uses nothing but mouse movement.

Centering around the metaphorical themes of "Legacy" and "Man's journey in attaining Wisdom", Legacy of Wisdom adopts an oriental aesthetic style based on Oriental Calligraphy / Paintings to help create a "Zen" aesthetic to complement the game's metaphorical themes.

Legacy of Wisdom also features an additional gameplay twist - an experimental take on the concept of "Player Death" in games, toying with the idea that death in games can be a reward as much as a penalty; where each time a player dies, the player is given a reward for his / her next playthrough.

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More importantly though, on a personal note, this is the first month that I've managed to squeeze out a little bit more time to actual get involved in small, indie project like this; something that I had set out to do the moment I decided to stop pursuing a commercial path in Game Design, and went into Academia, where I was hoping to be able to do a bit more experimental stuff without having to worry about the commercial sensabilities, and just design for the concept; not the commerce.

Of course, things never turn out like they should, and it was one crazily hectic semester in school, and I'm just glad that with the end of the semester, a bit more normalcy has returned to life, and I am able to have one foot back in the waters of my First Love; or at least find enough pockets of time in the after-hours to commit to a week-long project for the Experimental Gameplay Project, something that I've been keeping a close eye on for a few months now.

With crossed fingers and a silent prayer, I can only hope and pray that I can sustain this in the upcoming months as well, as if there is one thing I have discovered after not doing Game Design for a while, even if it is small indie projects like this; I am reminded of the invigorating feeling of going from concept to completion of an idea, seeing the pieces fall into place slowly and watching the gradual realisation of the idea into something a lot more material and tangible; almost like watching the slow but sure metamorphosis of a sluggish caterpillar into a fluttering butterfly.

For sure, this is one cookie jar I would gladly keep at least one hand in...

Avalon Legend Official Website

In hope of promoting the game further, I just finished up an official website for Avalon Legend with a clearly emphasis on the game and greater explanation of the metaphorical meaning.


Feel free to take a look at it.

http://avalonlegend.blogspot.com/

Caught in the Middle; Not Ready to Move

In almost exactly 2 months, I will be turning 28. But more so than an early reminder on getting me a present, and more importantly so, I can only sit and ponder the implications that come with the coming of age.

Simple math dictates that 28 is simply 30 minus 2, which means, in 2 years' time, I will be turning 30, that of a new era, or what most would believe.

Over the last year or so, and more so now that I've entered the world of Full-time Employment , I am starting to better comprehend what does this all mean - what does turning 28 mean. It simply means that... I am 10 years or so away from most of my students; and incidentally, 10 years or so away from the average age of my colleagues (at least those not in the same "creativity-driven" department as I am).

It is quite a weird spot to be in, in actual fact, as on one side, the populace is of a general immaturity, and dealing with things I have long put behind - self-confidence, insecurities, group politics and of course, raging hormones; and on the other end, there are those that have solidified a self-impression that leaves them rather oblivious to everything around them, with issues of self-righteousness, self-justification, self-indulgence, and not forgetting politics (which seems to be one thing that doesn't change regardless of which stage of life you're in).

But at the same time, it's quite a good spot to be in. Those below look up to you somewhat, knowing that you are senior, but still relevant, since it was not too long ago that you were dealing with the issues they struggle with on a daily basis; and those on top, look down on your in a nurturing manner, perhaps seeing a tinge of themselves in you as they try to give you a little boost every now and then.

In a sense, I am literally Caught in the Middle, but ironically, for once, feel like the bridge between the generations - a transitional generation, if you must - as I creep up on the big 3-0. Of course, being at this stage means I am subject to the things only described in Human Geography Textbooks, pressure to support the elder generation, and nurture the younger generation and all that bull.

Never one to consider things on such a macro-level, on a more personal note, I feel that with my recent full-time employment, I can't help but feel "older". No more are the days of just living to get by, going where the wind blows, and doing the things that call out to me; instead replaced by words such as "duties", "responsibilities", "goals", "targets", "plans", etc.

A stable income for an 8-5 routine - the most conventional trade of the working society. Perhaps I have been playing Peter Pan, and running away from all of it for too long (or at least what most conventional minds would think). But still, play Peter Pan for long enough, and you will eventually learn how to fly, above conventions at least. So yes, while I am now bounded by the chains of the grind, there are some things that you just can't outgrow - they just grow with you.

Game design is still my first love. And no, I would not be teaching regardless of the price tag if it were anything but game design.  And yes, I am still every bit the dreamer and idealist that I was, only thing is that I have learnt to take a more practical approach to it (but more on this in a future post).

Of course with "now" established, the question is then of "next". Where do you go from here?

A recent conversation at a wedding brought up the age old question, "When is it your turn?"

In almost a tone of mockery, my proud reply was, "Anywhere between Not-so-soon to Never."

This drew chuckles from the table, married or not married-alike, and those who know me a bit better wouldn't find the reply all that surprising coming from me.

But to go a bit deeper into this, the rationale is not one that is very complex. At an age where the norm is that to settle down with a partner, or even (*gasp*) start a family, my reason for not succumbing to the pressures adhering to this norm - as the wedding invitations fly into my mailbox and faces of friends on my Facebook mysteriously get replaced by literal Baby-Face - is simply: "I'm not ready."

I'm not ready to move. Not ready to move out of the shell of myself to be anything more than myself. Not ready to be someone's "husband", someone's "lifetime", or worst still, someone's "father"; not ready to have any other words tagged to me other than that of which the world already knows me by; not ready to be anything other than "Jeremy Kang".

Selfish? Maybe. I've never been anywhere near the opposite of that, perhaps. Or maybe, just a bit socially retarded, as my so-called "career" continues to move at low-gear in contrast to my peers. But then again, I've always been comfortable marching to the beat of my own drum, and unless I receive a sudden (or you could say, further) epiphany, things probably won't be changing quite for a while. 

Then again, maybe life IS just getting started at 28, as a conversation with the girlfriend over dinner might imply...

Me: "You know how I believe those "great" people seem to be good at almost everything that they do?"

She: "Yeah, I know that. Why?"

Me: "I think I am just starting to reach that stage in life". *Cheeky Grin*.

She: *Rolls Eyes*.

- While some Marching Band keeps its own Beat in my head while we're Talking -

Milestone

On the 29th March 2010, I finally reached a new milestone.

After an arduous 2 year journey, with far too many twists and turns to recount (a story for a later time, perhaps), I finally shipped my first game.

Though it may be small fish in a small pond, the feeling of finally reaching my first shipped title, (and of knowing that I've managed to do it with a hell lot of figuring it out on my own), is simply priceless.

Too many times did I doubt, question, pray and beg for things to just fall into place, and though it took A LOT longer than expected, I'm reliefed to finally see the coming of this day.

So please, spread the word, show some love, leave a rating, and if you can, buy the game (it's only $3 USD).

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

Avalon Legend

Links:

Avalon Legend Website

Avalon Legend - Xbox Live Marketplace

Consumed by that which Burns within You...

Earlier in the week, my posted Facebook status was:

"Jeremy Kang finds it a tad ironic that working in the Games Industry curbs his gaming addiction."

And this has probably got to be the oddest thing, as while I used to HAVE to play once at least every 48 hours (most of the time it was 24), these days I only find myself doing nothing save for work and sleep.

While of course, it is debatable that my work is play (my own game at least), but there's a different between playtest and simply just play, and little by little, I cannot help but feel that the fire that burns within me is slowly consuming me, for better or worse, very probably worse.

It's quite a bit of a contradiction, as I don't think I've ever felt so *ahem* efficient, and I am somewhat amazed at how much discipline I have inculcated myself over the last few weeks / months. I remember when I first started this entire "work from home" thing, I probably lied to myself along with my boss on how much work I was doing every day, justifying to myself the amount of work done purely measured by its "quality", and I felt that I could rest on my laurels after simply finishing up after 4 hours of work.

It's a bit strange how I got from there to now, where I don't think I should be working so hard, but somehow I am. In the last 3 weeks, I have become Producer, Designer, QA, part-time Programmer, part-time Artist and most recently, even part-time Audio person in my current project, very much not by choice, but by necessity.

On that note, it is also quite a pity that one man's effort is not enough to carry a 4-man project through, no matter how much that one man stretches himself, and on a certain note, I've given up trying and hoping for a four-fold multiplication of my commitment and effort, but that is a different matter altogether.

Couple that with my immortal body, and I somehow I've become a endless workhorse, able to put in pure 14-16 work days for a straight days, weekdays and weekends, almost to the point that I don't even feel at ease just sitting there and just... playing.

I don't think I am going to lose my first love that is gaming, and of course, that comes from the fun in the actual playing first, but little by little, I'm starting to wonder why is it that I only feel the urge to work, and not play, and to the point that I only stop when my body shuts down on me.

Of course, things aren't getting any better as school has just restarted, and I am on a heavier load this semester, but still, my heart still very much goes into working on the game whenever I can dig out any pockets of time, to the point that I wonder if I am already immune to my bodily alerts of knowing when to stop.

Working too hard? Perhaps. But perhaps, this is what it is really like to be an indie-game developer, without the safety welfare umbrella of a larger studio.

I haven't had very much time for anything else, be it wanting to blog about some overdue events for the longest time, or really just spend some quiet time with those that I love; but something at the back of my mind just tells me that: "I only have these remaining days to work on this, after that, it's pointless even if I want to."

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one that feels this way at all, or the only one that is taking it so seriously, and I can just be like anyone else, and just take it "as a job", "as a sideline" or something and just hands-off whenever I think I am "suitably worked".

But of course, those that know me any better know that I have the worst sense of balance and moderation in life, and only seem to live on extremes. Of course, those same people also probably know that if I believe in something, I will stop at nothing to work towards it.

And no matter how lost the cause it might be, I just want to follow-through and give a good finish to what I am doing now. Whether it will be enough in the end or not, I just want to know that I did everything I humanly could, and perhaps even more beyond that.

Of course, I know that things are only going to pile up on some ends, and can sense that they are going to fall apart on others; but something just pushes me to just keep moving forward.

"Drive" is probably the most suitable of terms here, and I can assuredly say, that I have in spades; spades big enough to dig my own grave perhaps.

They say: "It is always darkest before dawn", and I cannot think of anything better to believe in as I sit staring and getting lost in the Fire of my own Passion, waiting for that much-awaited sunrise.

30 Seconds of Fame

Lighting strikes at the same place twice.

Don't think I am eligible to win a subscription for my next lifetime, though.

http://www.gamasutra.com/php-bin/news_index.php?story=25059



And, make that trice. Funny how the same post gets featured for 2 weeks straight...


http://www.gamasutra.com/php-bin/news_index.php?story=25060

15 Seconds of Fame

It may not be the lottery, but winning something sure feels good  - not to mention the validation that comes along with it.

Featured in Gamasutra: http://www.gamasutra.com/php-bin/news_index.php?story=25058

The Road to Ruin

- "You can sleep when you're dead." -

But Death only seems to be creeping up on me sooner at this rate.

40 hours to Judgment and the Restoration of Life as I know it.

You want a (Bigger) Piece of Me?

Starting in March 2009, which in this month, I will be putting more effort into updating my OTHER blog as well as continuing to write about my life and the bizarre happenings of it on this one, and of course, more cryptic narratives that no one can really figure what the hell its all about.

As those who have seen the OTHER blog by now will know that that is more of my portfolio and game-related blog. The biggest change is that I've started a new section, "Game Analysis" where I talk about and discuss games that I've played and some of the points in these games. I will also try to discuss more reads and the industry in general.

So, if you are interested in game design, my thoughts on games, or just games in general, feel free to head over to "the other side" to get double the dosage out of my writing. My goal is to try to update both blogs once every fortnight at least.

But as those of you who have been here for a while, will probably know of my irregularity when it comes to updates, so well....

Anyway, and now is the part for SHAMELESS pimping and advertising....

New Post up at:

http://dark-manifesto.blogspot.com/

P.S.

People have been telling me to think of a catchier name for that blog, but I'm deeply rooted in my dark ideas and can't think of something better. Anyone has any better ideas feel free to run them by me.

Know Thy Maker(s)

IGN.com has just very recently finished their run on the a list of the Top 100 Game Creators, which is basically a who's who in the world of videogames over the last 4 decades or so, spanning 7 console generations.

This is especially note-worthy in my opinion, simply because the heroes in the game industry go relatively unsung of in mass media as compared to the giants of the other media industries, like the movie industry for example.

Needless to say, rather obvious choices like Hideo Kojima, Peter Molyneux, Shinji Mikami and company made the list, but it was refreshing to see some of the forefathers of the industry getting props too.

All-in-all, I would say that its a rather fair list, give or take a few debatable positions, but still... No prizes for guessing who made the top of the list though, it was a far too obvious choice.

Hit the link if you're even remotely interested about finding out the people behind your favorite games.

Top 100 Game Creators

The Shackles of Ideals

I'm an Idealist, have always been.

And the thing about Idealist is that they strive for the optimum, no matter how unrealistic this said optimum is, and regardless of the costs.

Economically, Idealists always make a loss. The dynamics of economics is that there is price and there is value. To the Idealist, the value of an Ideal is almost infinite, and so, the price, or the willingness to pay for that ideal, would be almost infinite as well.

Psychologically, Idealists should be a lot less susceptible to Cognitive Dissonance than many other types of people. Idealist above all else, tend to have a more defined definition of "happiness" compared to most other people, and are less willing to self-justify any seconds in life.

Practically, Idealists are simply not. Idealists have a sort of belief within them to attempt to merge the treads of their dreams with the plane of reality, and to live a life of purpose, passion and meaning, despite how unrealistic and unsound this merger may sound on paper.

And this, in itself, is the end goal of every Idealist: To live a life that they fully and whole-heartedly believe in.

Yet, not everyone with fulfilled dreams is an Idealists.

In my opinion, there is the Idealist and the faux Idealist. The main difference lies not in the dreams that they strive for, but rather the costs at which they are willing to pay in order to obtain them.

Ideals being ideals, are supposedly impractical, unrealistic and visionary. And in a world shaped by conventions and circumstance, it is only natural that the achievement of such ideals come with a price: time, patience, effort, labour and most ironically, happiness.

Considering that "'happiness" is what the Idealist truly seeks at the end of the journey, being able to live a life of true happiness with the merger of dreams and reality, it is somewhat ironic that happiness is something that an Idealist would be required to sacrifice in exchange for the attainment of his / her ideals. Yet, the true Idealist is one who is willing to make such a costly sacrifice in exchange for an eventual fulfillment.

On the other hand, the faux Idealists are people who attain their dreams with little or no major sacrifices necessary. Some of which have it handed to them on a silver platter through a case of good fortune, to get a straight road to the fulfillment of an ideal.

Yet, to the faux Idealist, no matter how much they say that they "love" something, it will never be as justifiable or as convincing as that of a true Idealists, who has lived his / her life striving for, going through numerous pains and sacrifices, before finally attaining it.

Being an Idealist is extremely tiring, and sometimes the very happiness and fulfillment that you strive for, are the very same things that causes you so much heartache and misery. When you feel that circumstances do not allow you to make any progress towards your goal, when you see someone of lesser capability, experience and most importantly, desire, get something that you want so badly and have strived so hard towards getting it; it is extremely difficult not to feel indignant and frustrated over it. And it would be a lie to say that I have not felt such emotions and questioned the costs of my ideals every so often.

In all honesty, I've come closer to giving up on a 20-year passion and a 10-year ideal in these few months more than ever. Misunderstandings, politics, rejections and of course, circumstances (what else is new?) has left me with a whirlwind inside my head and a shadow of doubt in my heart, as I struggle to justify my sacrifices and quench the unhappiness that my ironic strive for happiness has brought me over the last 1.5 years.

Yet, despite all these, at the brink of giving up, I can't help but still feel Shackled to my Ideals, wanting to hold out a little more, wanting to try something else, wanting to give it one more shot; knowing that I would deeply regret it if I were to walk away from it now.

At the end of the day, I somehow still manage to muster out this to myself: Not everyone can afford to be an Idealist; many others are forced to become otherwise in the wake of circumstances and obligations. The very fact that I can afford to even strive for my ideals, is probably already a privilege in itself.

I dare not believe that I will be able to fulfill my dreams eventually, with my pessimistic mind these days, but I do know that sacrifice is an essential part to the fulfillment to these ideals.

Sigh. Perhaps I'm meant to be an Idealist my whole life, perhaps...

Was it Nothing more than Noise Inside my Head...

The Dark Manifesto

After years in the pipeline, months of procrastination, and a week of work, I finally did what I've been wanting to do for quite a while now (no, not engage in a threesome with two busty blonde chics). I've finally put the finishing touches on my own little virtual gallery of my works, the not-too-many works of my not-that-long-thus-far life. But still....

For those who have always been wondering what the hell I actually do for a living, and exactly how good or bad I am at my job, its now open for your viewing pleasure and public scrutiny. It's all available at:

http://dark-manifesto.blogspot.com/

Spread the word and the love to those who you think might even be the slightest interested.

Virtual Insanity

A man dressed in green and red ran across the ground, jumping over some unknown manner of beast that was shaped like a... mushroom? Jumping over a pitfall and avoiding certain death just for that LITTLE bit longer. The man jumped, hitting his head hard against a brick ceiling, as a mushroom appeared out of nowhere with a sound effect that would become instantly distinguishable even 20 years later.

The year was 1988, as I set eyes, for the first time, on what would later become a household name, Super Mario Bros. My uncle continued to try to manoeuvre Mario around the level with utmost finesse. But inevitably, he plunged to his death eventually. Letting out a hearty laugh at his clumsiness, he looked around and asked, "Want to try it?" He then prompted me to wrest the controller from his hands.

Eager to experience the Virtual Insanity that I had just witness first-hand, I rose to the challenge and grabbed the controller. The soon-to-be familiar music as my anticipation grew. The green and red pixels lit up the screen as I grasped the controller my tightly than I needed to. I walked forward to the approaching mushroom-shaped Goomba, and tried to jump, raising the controller instinctively as if it were motion-sensitive, but still landing right in front of it and seeing Mario rise and fall off the screen in his dying animation.

That was my first experience with Video games, a miserable attempt; but even though it was miserable, it was intrinsically fun for the 3 seconds that it lasted. But little did I know then, that a 3-second experience, would be the jump start to a now-in-it's-twentieth-year hobby, a Passion, more so than anything else.

The rest of the night went by with my cousins and I taking turns to get used to the controls of Mario, jumping and waving our hands like crazed-kids and shouting at the stop of our lungs with each close call we made.

A week later, with much nagging and persistence, my dad finally succumbed and we brought home our very first Video game Console, the NES, and of course, with Mario. In fact, for a long time, it was the only game that we had, but back then, we didn't care, my brother and I (I more so than my brother) could play for hours on end, dying and restarting over and over again.

The situation remained relatively the same throughout our entire childhood, only getting less than 5 new games every year, we were content with playing our games over and over again, often alternating between the limited choices that we had.

Times were simpler back then, we were perfectly fine with going through the story of Shining Force for the 7th time, there was no Internet, so we played the games over and over again to explore every nook and cranny in the game, and self-discovered every secret the game had to offer.

Difficulty was brutal, with many games not having a Save feature; meant that we had to start from the first level each time we played, and soon mastered the earlier levels of a game with machine-like precision.

20-years is a long time, and now, the gaming scene has totally changed, along with the rest of the world. While it has become a lot more of a "cool, mainstream" hobby with the passing of the Playstation generation, it was also attracted a fair amount of charlatans who claim to be "hardcore gamers" when they know nothing beyond the bounds of the franchises made famous by the Playstation, or have no clue of any Final Fantasy before part VII.

Of course, the pacing of consumption of games has increased tremendously over the years as well, and I am guilty of this touch-and-go pattern of consumption as well, especially after having a bit more power over my finances as the years went by.

What started with 1 game on one console, has now grown into an empire of 559 games spread across 16 consoles in the last 20 years, with an estimated worth of... $16,837.70 (I'm assuming USD), and that is not including the bootleg crap that I bought and the NES games that I lost along the years. [My Collection]

The only thing slightly more scary than that amount that I've actually spent on this Passion and the monstrous collection that I've built up, is the amount of my life I've actually burned away on this said Passion.

An article on the Gamasutra talks about How to Hire Good Game Designers, and one of the listed requisites is that game designers are generally either making games with their spare time, or simply playing them. What it doesn't mention though, is the context of relativity of the word "spare time."

So I guess, with 20 years of "spare time", inclusive of school and all the rest of the irrelevant educational crap that consumed the better half of the better half of my life, one would be able to have played a buckload of games; 583 to be exact, in my case, more than 70% of which I can say I finished, and a good chunk of them being of the soul-sucking RPG genre. [Games Played]

"Passion" has always been a very strong word, one that is used too flippantly these days. Too many charlatans lay claim to the word "passion" even though it might only be a passing phase for them, regardless of the activity.

But in my case, 20-years, 16 consoles, 559 games bought, and 583 games played later, I think that I can safely lay claim to the word "Passion" when it comes to gaming. After all, for a commitment-phobic like me, if I can commit to something for 20 years, it would more than probably mean something, right?

The red plumber runs up to the all-too-familiar Goomba, as I tilt the analog stick forward and hit the A button. My estimation of the landing of the jump in 3-D was a little off, as the Goomba approaches me from the back. I shake the motion-sensitive Wii-mote (how ironic) to make Mario spin, knocking the Goomba away. I tilt my head from upside-down to right-side-up as I see Mario restore his naturally bearings; a natural reaction to the mind-boggling gravity effects in Super Mario Galaxy. I finish the stage to an all-new chime of accomplishment.

With a smile of amazement on my face, my eyes gaze through the Virtual Insanity on screen, as I wonder, what the next 20 years would be like.

Gambit Media Day: Last Stand

9th September 2008

It was weird, seeing myself on the TV screen. It's just so weird to look at yourself from the perspective that is not of your own very eyes. I stared blankly at the screen, as I saw myself move in my signature manner in that matter of seconds; my body shuddered as I thought about the thousands of people watching the Channel 8 and Channel U news that were probably staring at "the random guy with spikey hair" on TV involved in "some game thing."

My eyes stayed glued to my every movement on the screen, as my mind wandered off into the recesses of my memory of the morning...

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"Good, you're not late," the Director said as I walked into the already-filled room.

"Hello," I said with a wide, sheepish grin on my face as I saw the Admin-girl, only to receive a wide-eyed dagger-stare as a response to my late-coming.

I quickly scanned the room for the familiar faces and walked up to them. "How is it?" I asked, as I reclined into the chair next to William.

"I think we don't have time to install it for a live-demo," he said as he stared out at the crowd bustling about the podium in the center of the room.

"Yeah, I think so too," I said with an nod of expectancy. "How's the trailer?" I asked, turning to Michelle.

"It's already in the presentation laptop, you wanna see it?" she asked, eyes red from the lack of sleep.

She inserted the disc as I held my breath in anticipation for it to boot up. A familiar scene came up on screen, one that we had all seen two Thursdays before, much to all of our chargrin; in fact, it was the EXACT same thing save for the pixelated video being replaced by still, non-pixelated screen shots. My heart sank as the cheesy "Own your masterpiece today" line came up on the screen.

"Ok," I said, deeply masking my disappointment as I stared out into the crowd.

Butterflies fluttered in my stomach; for some odd reason, no matter how many times I do it, I still feel the performance anxiety every time before I make an important presentation. But this time, it was much more than that, it was a matter of numbers.

The odds were greatly stacked against the project and me, as I realised that not only were we the only group to not have a live-demo to be able to showcase, I had just discovered that our trailer was DEFINITELY the weakest link as well. These daunting factors, stacked atop the notoriously low expectations that the management has for the project, made me feel that my task at hand was going to be a more than mountainious one.

I remember taking it upon myself to ensure that Muzaic got a proper final stand. Considering that the game was not going to be continued or showcased in almost any other form after this event, and after the enormous debacle that was the previous presentation by Michelle during Industry Day, I was determined to set things right, let the project get at least its due credit, and let Muzaic go out with a bang.

I let out a silent sigh upon the realization of these goals seeming more unreachable than they ever were given the circumstances.

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"We will now invite Jeremy Kang from the second group to present Muzaic," the project coordinator announced as I stepped up to the center podium.

I turned away from the crowd, staring prolongedly at the dual-screens waiting for the slides to come up; all as a form of masking the possible giveaway signs of anxiety that could have been written on my face.

The opening slide came up on the screen as a took a deep breath to sooth my nerves and turned around to greet the crowd, "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Jeremy Kang and I am here to talk about Muzaic."

"Before I start on anything else, I would like to talk about what goes into the name 'Muzaic'. Muzaic is essentially made up of the words 'music' and 'mosaic'. So, bear these concepts in mind as we take a look at the trailer," I presented, as I turned around to stare at the screen again and to avoid the potential disheartening from the shocked look of disgust on the faces of the audience.

Recovering from the cringe and goosebumps of the cheesy 'Own your masterpiece today' closing line, I turned around, gritted my teeth and said, "I'm sure that all of you are probably slightly to very confused as to what was going on in the trailer, but don't worry, we'll get to that in a moment," with as straight a face as I could keep without bursting into a million pieces of agonizing shame.

"The goal of creating a game for the sighted and the visually impaired to play together was a double-edged sword in the our project. It was our biggest selling point, and also our biggest design challenge," I said, taking a special effort to point out the biggest selling point of the game to play to my audience; after all, they were the press, and they were probably hungering for something unique and different, and potentially juicy.

"I'm sorry that we are unable to show a live-demo of the game due to technical and time constraints, but feel free to come by our booth later if you are interested, we have it set up there," trying to smooth out the second major hurdle of the presentation. "But for now, I'll use the next best thing to explain the game, screenshots."

"So you what you actually do in the game is that you breed, like mad rabbits," I said with a cheeky grin, rousing laughter of amusement from the crowd, injecting jokes alongside the explanation of the gameplay to keep the presentation fresh and interesting despite the lack of dynamic objects moving on the screen, unlike every other team.

"And with that, I end my presentation. But before I go, a little bit of shameless advertising. You can play our game at the following address. Any questions?" I asked in closing, as I looked around the room, as the audience remained silent.

"If there are no questions then we will move on to the next group," the project coordinator intervened. Applause rang as I made my way back to the corner of the room, walking past the admin-girl along the way.

"Very well done," she said, raising two thumbs up at me, as I walked to the back of the room and sank into an empty chair with great relief.

The Director in front of me turned around, and signalled a thumbs up to me, and mouthed the words "Good job." I smiled to myself as my mind drifted away from the rest of the presentations.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I camped by the news on Channel U waiting to see which segment of the interview and the faux-playing footage taken in the aftermath of the presentation they actually decided to show.

"Singapore-MIT alliance, Gambit Game Lab showcased their games from their second batch of students today," the anchor said in Mandarin, my face lighting up as I saw the picture of the story at the side being none other the Tribal dude in Muzaic.

"Combining a Rock and a Tribal character allows different types of music to be played. Muzaic is a one of the projects in this year's Gambit that allows both the sighted and the blind to play together," the voice-over reported in Mandarin as they showed footage of my little baby.

Footage of Michelle and I pretending to play the game came up as I stared at my every movement on the screen. There was just something really weird about looking at yourself outside of your own perspective.

Michelle's familiar mug came on the screen talking about blind users on Facebook before they cut the segment to an interview with the Director before ending the report with a video collage of the rest of the games.

"And today in sports..." the anchor went on in Mandarin as I sat there still staring blankly at the screen, smiling from ear to ear, knowing that I had gave the game a more than deserving Last Stand.

The Show Must Go On...

5…6…7...

The numbers on the display panel changed as I fixed my gaze on it while my mind wandered. My mind wandered to the recesses of the memories in the last month, the whole whirlwind of events and all the doors of possibilities that opened up one by one over the course of the last month. Memories of the struggles I had within and with-out of myself given the plethora of choices; “You want to work in a bank?”, “Hope that you can come over to my side to help me,” “If I decide to apply, will you help me?”, rang in my head as the lift continued its ascent.

8…9... *ding*

Deep breath, big step; each following stride a reinforcement to my decision in opening this door.
”So what number am I?” I asked, stepping into the interview room.

“Number 55,” said the Director, in a very soul-less tone, obviously fatigued from the consecutive interviews.

I sank into the chair and eased my nerves in the process. Queerly, I wasn’t as nervous as I had anticipated, perhaps I really was getting more experienced with the whole presentation thing, after having some much more intense presentations with the last company.

“I think I have your test right here on my laptop,” the all-too-familiar Producer said, as he opened up my submission, “Roy the Bouncing Hippo, right?”

“Yes, that’s the one,” I said, as I started my presentation to the weary countenances, continuing with my inspiration source for the game, with a well-concealed grin underneath it all.

“So, which question did you pick?” the Director asked.

“Oh, I picked the question to design a one-buttoned cell-phone game with the core mechanics of ‘bouncing’.” I replied confidently. “So basically the story goes like this…” as I started to run through the gist of my 2-day brain-child.

As I moved along the slides, I sensed the growing interest in my concept from the Producer’s eager nods and the Director’s firm nods of affirmation.

"So after the bar stops Roy charges a fart and propels himself forward, burping every time he bounces off the wall" I continued with my explanation of the details of the game mechanics, much to the the accompaniment of laughter from my interviewers.

"Yup, so that is the main gist of the game, any questions?" I asked, as I concluded.

"Actually, normally I will have questions to ask, but the thing is, I don't really have any questions to ask now," the Director said. "The thing is, I kinda like it."

"Yeah, I like it too," the Producer added in.

Relief and elation from deep within erupted into a smile on my face as I heard the positive reviews, recalling the 2 days that I spent looking at everything in my world bouncing around, trying to get an inspiration for the concept; to the extent I literally stared at the gas bubbles bouncing about in a Coke can every time I drank my poison. I recalled the long-forgotten experience of rushing for a deadline overnight as I sat in front of the PC till 6am in order to complete the presentation. But alas, it was all worth it when the acknowledgement was passed on.

"So if given a choice, would you choose to be a producer or a designer?" the Director asked.

"I think I would still choose to be a designer if it really came down to it. The whole reason of me going into the games industry was for the creative aspect of it more so than anything else; not that you can't give creative input as a producer, but its just that the focus of the roles are different. And for me, I prefer to be in a creative position more so than that of a management position," I replied comprehensively, to the Director's approving nods.

"Well, I guess that's all I have for you, any questions?" the Director asked me.

"Uh, actually, I was wondering if there is any bond to this whole thing?" I asked sheepishly.

"No, no bond at all. The whole purpose of this programme is to give people a chance to break into the industry to grow the industry. So the main objective in it is just to get more people involved in the industry, to train more talent," the Director replied smilingly.

"Thanks so much, Jeremy, you'll hear from us some time next week regarding the selection process," the Producer told me as I walked out of the door in confidence, as he went on to welcome the next candidate.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3 days later...

An email with a "No Subject" heading from the Director popped-up in my mailbox. I moused over it in hot anticipation, took a deep breath and clicked on it...

"Dear Jeremy,

I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected by Gambit for the Summer Internship."

My spirits lifted, as I saw knew that the show will go on in MIT, one of the most prestigious universities in the world; located deep within the heart of the land of the Freedom, Bravery, and HOT, TASTY *ahem*American Pies.

But the most consoling thing was the rays of hope that I saw beyond the vision of the next 3 months of free-loading; the hope that I could continue dreaming for just a little bit longer...

.... The Show MUST Go On...

Another One Bites the Dust

26th March 2008

The lift ascended as I was still suffering from the fatigue of the staying up to reformatting and resusitate the PC from the fabled and much-feared "Blue Screen of Death" the night before. Still visibly distraught with the loss of the entire collection of photos that I had not backed up, I routinely tapped the card at the office entrance, and stepped into the office.

Instead of the usual cold, silence that filled the office, my colleagues were all huddled together and discussing something in mummers and whispers as I entered the office.

"Hey Jeremy, you're finally here. Go read your email." Viknash told me as he saw me at the doorway, with everyone else in the group focusing their attention on me as if to scrutinize my already-too-weary countenance. Sensing something ominous in the mailbox, I turned on my PC and waited in suspense as it started up.

"What could it be I?" I wondered to myself. "Another one of the Boss' crazy ideas that I might have to go into a long rebuttal over email again?" I thought to myself, as I opened my mailbox and waited for the mails to roll in.

I scrolled through the usual headings of worksheets before coming to a mail that was titled "Company Announcement." "Should be this one," I thought to myself as I rather sleepily clicked on the heading, and read the contents of the mail.

I was almost literally slapped out of my sleepy stupor when I came to the end of the mail, utterly jolted out of my disposition. Unable to believe what I jhad ust read, I decided to read the mail again, this time digesting EVERY single word as I read it.

But with each processed word, my breath only grew shorter and my heart only grew heavier; the shocking reality of the situation creeping in slowly and surely with each word. Coming to the end of the mail a second time, I reclined into my chair without a single word and without a single thought in my head.

When I finally managed to start formulating words again, I turned around and asked Henry, "Is all this for real?"

"Yeah, it feels like a very very bad dream," he said, with an awkward and forced smile on his face, visibly unable to properly channel his emotions as well. "The whole thing just feels so.... unreal."

Indeed it did, as questions started to fill my mind; the biggest of it being "Why...."

"Why now? "

"Why after all this effort?"

"Why after coming so close?"

Desperately, I went into the mailbox and double-checked the date of the mail, hoping to find a punchline or a hint that this was an April Fool's joke played in advance; yet Denial did not have the kindness to even humour me.

Janelle came into the office, more frantic and jumpy than her normal self; scurrying around the office and asking everyone, "How? How?" It was obvious that she too was blind-sided in the process of reaching this decision, alongside the rest of us. Afterall, who wouldn't be?

Considering the day before we were all just talking about the future of the company in an extended 2 hour meeting -- ways to extend the IP, possible plans if we were unable to get the manpower up to steam, the potential of being signed, business development ideas -- and the next day, an announcement of the company closing down was rained down upon us like a blue bolt of lighting.

As we continued to deliberate about the unfounded explanations for the reasons of closing down, the Boss came in looking surprising upbeat. "Is everyone here? Let's have a meeting to discuss the announcement," he said.

We gathered in the pantry, possibly for one of the last few times, as the discussion opened with a statement from the Boss. "I know everyone is shocked with the announcement, but let's face the facts: the current business model is DEAD. There is no possible way, with our current business model, that we are going to be able to ship the game by 2009. And its better to realize that now that later in the production. I mean, it was VERY difficult for me, after all the game is my baby..."

Indeed, it was his baby; but at the same time, it was everyone else's as well, especially mine, as I was the main creative force that drove the direction of the design and the gameplay. Spending countless hours on the daily commute analysing the potential pitfalls, standing under the running water in the shower generating new ideas, having numerous talks with my brother on the feasibility of the ideas; all in the name of the desire to produce a great, if not an "at least 7.0 game."

He continued to speak at length about the other reasons as to why he made the decision that he made... "I know that the move is a radical one. But many times, you look back at the situation later and you'll be glad that you made actually made such a radical move."

"Yes. Some times, when a computer has a lot of problems, the best way to fix it is to reformat the entire computer," Henry added, as I looked at him as if he were a fucking retard.

"Yes. Good analogy," the Boss said in acknowledgement.

"Why now?" I asked the Boss, finally being able to consolidate all the running thoughts in my mind into two words. "I mean, do you really feel that this is the worse period of time for the company? Considering that we have gotten so far, developed a demo that publishers like and are this close to actually signing with them?" I asked.

And this quickly turned into a 2-way discussion as with each answer he gave, I questioned further, until a point in time when a fellow colleague told me, "Forget it, Jeremy. It won't make a difference," that I felt that I had just hit a brick wall and utterly stopped short in my inquisitive tracks.

"So, in the next 30 days, let's try to discuss some ways in which we can actually relaunch the company. If we can find a solution that is able to generate revenue, one that is able to restore the confidence in the shareholders, then the money will roll in and there will be a possible company relaunch. I would like to to add that everyone here has the possibility of being hired under the new company, as long as it makes sense to the new business model of the company," the Boss said.

"Let's all try not to be too depressed about the entire situation," he said, with a grin on his face, masking the deep sorrow that pierced through his dark brown eyes. He was probably as distraught about the entire situation as the rest of us, but forced himself to play the visionary leader that he tried to be for one last time.

Many people took off after the meeting, seeing no point staying if they were unable to work for the rest of the day. I arrived at my exceptionally late noon timing, but was told that I could leave around 5 if I wanted to.

I spent the rest of the hours mulling deeply over the shock, thinking of all the potential lost in the flash of an executive decision. I started organizing the material that we had worked on in the past 7 months for accountability and for portfolio purposes, but felt something pulling at my heartstrings as I dragged each file into the folder.

I always knew that the entire industry was a high-risk one, especially in the local scene. But I was always under the assumption that the Boss had too much pride to worry about the cost as to which he would have to go to in order to be able to ship the game. But obviously, this was merely an optimistic assumption on my part. But still, even if the company were to close her doors, I expected to have had to at least go down fighting, and would have had been able to anticipate it at least, rather than getting emotionally assassinated with a clean slice to the jugular.

As I switched off the lights before leaving the office, I instinctively turned to look at my desk, and I saw something... I saw myself, or at least, an image of myself. An image of the night before, as I bent over the desk, sketching out a design idea under my own shadows all alone in the warmly lit office, particulary proud of the award-winning design I was able to formulate and hoping to put a close to the design of that particular room before I called it a day.

The image slowly fizzled out into blinding specks of dust as the lights dimmed and greyed while the entire imagery grew too blurry to distinguish. And there I was, standing all alone in an empty office, with the shadows overhanging on the walls of the office as a result of the setting sunlight that streamed in, staring straight at an empty chair and a surprisingly organized desk.

I took a disappointing sigh of resignation as I turned my back towards my table, pulling the heavy glass door and stepped out of the office.

...The Dream was Over.

Sex in the Box

Mr. Snyde: Can I ask you a question Dr. Jerkyll?

Dr. Jerkyll: Only if you stop dealing with rhetoric.

Mr. Snyde: Huh?

Dr. Jerkyll: Nevermind. So what can I do you for today, Mr. Snyde?

Mr. Snyde: Well, its about your recent tagline, you know, the "Sex in the Box" one, what in the blue hell does that mean?

Dr. Jerkyll: Well, take a guess. You've got nothing to lose.

Mr. Snyde: Well, if I didn't know you any better, I would guess that it is one of your supposedly witty puns, perhaps of a certain child's toy, the Jack-in-the-Box, perhaps?

Dr. Jerkyll: Partially correct Mr. Snyde, but not entirely. There is a reason for the missing dashes and a meaning far beyond the meaning of the 4 words taken alone.

Mr. Snyde: Hmm, indulge me then, the oh-so-wise-Dr. Jerkyll.

Dr. Jerkyll: Indeed I shall. The key word lies in the word "Sex," a physical drive that is held in regard as the ultimate emotional expression, call it what you like, "making love" and whatnot, but Sex is essentially, well, Sex, no matter how you slice it. And it is commonly believed to be one of the biggest outbursts of emotion that one can express.

Mr. Snyde: Now you got me listening.

Dr. Jerkyll: Ahem, anyway, as I was saying. So when you put Sex, an "expression," a supposedly "free" and "natural" thing, within the confines of the other 3 words, perhaps you will start to see what I am getting at.

Mr. Snyde: ...................

Dr. Jerkyll: Still don't get it? Hardly surprised. Not everyone has the same penchant for irony, I would figure.

Mr. Snyde: Who needs wit and irony when you have killer good looks and overwhelming charisma?

Dr. Jerkyll: Yes yes, who could resist? But as I was saying, so imagine, if even your strongest expression of emotion, through "Sex" in confined "in the box," what more any of your lesser emotions, like laughter, joy and sorrow?

Mr. Snyde: Wait a minute, that sounds awfully familiar, isn't this from a song?

Dr. Jerkyll: Perhaps you are more attuned than I had anticipated. But yes, it indeed is from a song. And as the rest of the song goes:

dream in the box, person in the box

vibe in the box, time in the box

Mr. Snyde: Ok, I'm starting to get it, so what you are trying to say is that all this; all we think, we hold true, we experience, we perceive; are all being confined within a supposed "box" right?

Dr. Jerkyll: Indeed. And no prizes for correct guesses on what that "box" is.

Mr. Snyde: Of course, its freakin' obvious its the walls of "society" and "societal norms."

Dr. Jerkyll: Perhaps there is SOME hope for you afterall.

Mr. Snyde: What did you say?

Dr. Jerkyll: Nevermind, I digress. The point is, everything we do, we think and we feel, are largely contained within this large box; our expression of emotions, our perception of time, our expectations of what it is to be a "person," even many of our dreams are still very much "in the box," no matter how you think that it is totally left to the freedom of your will to determine these things.

Mr. Snyde: Somewhat true I believe, depressing but true.

Dr. Jerkyll: So it begs the question then, what would it mean to be "out of the box"? Any ideas, Mr. Snyde?

Mr. Snyde: Hmm, "out of the box" is such an overused terms, especially from the mouths of educators today. I remember there was this one time, during this Physics class that I attended, and we were discussing the solution to this question that no one in the class could do.

Dr. Jerkyll: You in Physics lesson, this is new, hah. But yes, continue.

Mr. Synde: Ahem. So the tutor was presenting the solution, and after which he said the words, 'for this question, you have to think out of the box to be able to do it,' before he went on to scribble something on the whiteboard and turned around with a smuck look on his face obviously very proud of the work that he had done. Kinda looks a little like how you look all the time.

Dr. Jerkyll: ..............................

Mr. Synde: But the point is, as much as he touted his solution as "out of the box," honestly, I found nothing very out-of-the-box-esque about it. It was just a bloody common case of educators using it as part of their lingo and jargon to make students think that that was what it meant to think "out of the box", which was obviously not.

Dr. Jerkyll: Yes, I have met too many of these delusional cases and have heard the words thrown around too casually. It would seem that for every minute innovative thought that just happens to bend the rules by that little bit, the Hoi Polloi would love to think that they are thinking "out of the box."

Mr. Snyde: A casualty of the lack of introspection and extremely low self-evaluation standards, I guess.

Dr. Jerkyll: Surprisingly true coming from you Mr. Snyde, such resounding and accurate words.

Mr. Snyde: Only a tip of the iceberg my dear Dr. Jerkyll. I mean take it from me, being in the creative line, I come up with new dosage of ideas on a daily basis - good ideas. But still, even with all these new and innovative ideas I churn out ever-so-often, I would hardly dare call myself or my ideas "out of the box;" pushing the boundaries of the box perhaps, but hardly "out of the box".

Dr. Jerkyll: Indeed. For something to be regarded as "out of the box," I would figure that it has to be something radically innovative and utterly revolutionary, rather than evolutionary.

Mr. Snyde: For me, it has to be something, an idea or a concept that tethers on the edge of madness, and yet, it all comes together to make sense in its own very twisted manner. Since I'm a gaming man, I would name Super Mario for example. Plumbers who go down pipes, eat mushrooms to grow bigger, and battles all manner of turtles? Before 1985, if you pitched this to someone, he or she would probably think that it was some manner of extreme virtual insanity. Yet, 23 years later, this said "madness" is widely accepted as an icon. Now, that is truly "out of the box".

Dr. Jerkyll: Yes, even though I am not a gaming man myself, but I can see where you are coming from.

Mr. Snyde: Or how about the idea of using a small sticky ball to start rolling up stuff, accumulating in size, and being able to roll up increasingly large objects; from mice, to humans, to cows, to buildings and eventually, even the moon? Raving madness on paper perhaps, but in the gaming circle, this "out of the box" concept drove a little budget game, known as Katamari Damacy to become a cult classic.

Dr. Jerkyll: Well, enough of the examples. For my academic, prying mind, the burning question is: whether this capacity to think "out of the box" is an innate, in-born ability, or is it a skill that can be honed over the years if you were to sharpen it consistently?

Mr. Snyde: Well, to that, I am no idea at all. But I sure hope its the latter more than the former. Especially, since my livelihood depends on it. Then again, doesn't matter, since I believe I am already "out of the box" no matter which way you slice it.

Dr. Jerkyll: .......................

The Prize of Passion

1st October 2007

"You wanna try?" asked 1 of the formally-dressed 6,000-point players with an outstretched arm and the end of the controller facing me.

“Try? TRY? Hah. I'll show you 'try.' When I play, it's not about 'trying,' it's about showmanship, it's about competition, it's about going for the kill,” my inner voice rang in my head. But before my competitive arrogance had time to fully settle in, I felt a cold shiver running through my spine... a shiver of Performance Anxiety. The change in the play environment, the difference in the feel of the all-too-familiar controller were all potentially valid factors, but none of them stacked up against the fear of underperforming, especially not when it was in a semi-public environment, and people (albeit not much) were going to watch. And of course, being touted as the office Golden Boy didn't make matters any easier either.

It was going to be beyond a matter of pure skill, it was going to be more than just a game; it was going to be an act of showmanship, a performance. Me against the music, if the "music" came in a literal form of one quirky German boss, and a small room of onlookers. With butterflies in my stomach, I took a deep breath and firmly grasped the controller. “Sure,” I said.

Time to Play the Game

I started out slow, hiding in my usual bottom-right corner, taking out the familiar Blue Diamonds and Green Squares with great ease. Yep, if every performer has his/her signature entrance, then mine would surely be this display of (false) confidence. The score raked up.... 20,000.... 40,000..... 60,000.... that's it! The screen was starting to flood with all manner of shapes and colours, and touching any one of them would entail a bright burst of on-screen fireworks and the loss of a precious life. “Every 75,000 for a life, every 100,000 for a bomb”, I kept repeating in my head, as I was forced to start moving.

"When did you start playing this game?" the question from a conversation with a colleague a few days back rang through my head.

"Actually, I only started playing when I came into this company," I recalled my answer.

"Wow, and you can score so high in such a short time, you must be talented in this," he replied.

I smirked.

Talented? Perhaps, you could say that I am, but I believe that the essence of my talent is not so much of being exceptionally good at a single game, but rather it is in the art of Adaptability, being able to adapt quickly to a new game mechanic and quickly picking up the nuances of a new system; an Art that naturally came with the amount of dedication that put into my passion, and this adaptability probably shines through in my everyday life as well. A random Green Square did a quick turn and rammed into my ship, causing it to burst into light. I lost my first life... as I peered up to the top of the screen to see 6 remaining lives.... 6. The score... 343,000.

I smirked as my ship respawned, knowing that I had already overcame the initial Performance Anxiety. My score for 1 single life was already more than what most in the house could do in 1 entire sitting, now I had to watch out for my other nemesis, Carelessness. The chase was on again.

Yes, dedication was the order of the day. The dedication to pump in a few hours everyday in the post-office hours to leisurely train with my 2 partners in psuedo-competition rules, and and additional amount of dedication on top of that by playing some more after getting home. Discipline has never been one of my stronger suits in most aspects of my life, but I guess if there is anywhere that I applied it, it had to be here. Yes, it is this dedication to achieve and outdo that divides the Greater from the Lesser, the Hardcore from the Casual; and of course, I am hardcore.

The Training Buddy, Paul

A flood of small fly-like enemies I nicknamed 'Beezebulb' started to flood the screen from all 4 directions. I hopped a little on my toes, in an attempt to get some blood rushing to the rest of my cold limb body. I skillfully shot and manoeuvred through the blinding mass of enemies. "Whoa," could be heard coming from the background as I made my way through them. I had caught the attention of the crowd as I felt all eyes on me; but I had no time to think, I had to keep my thoughts in place if I wanted to take home the prize. The biblical mantra of “The Spirit is willing, but Flesh is Weak” proved true as Greed drove my temptation to steal a glance at the coveted prize from the corner of my eye, causing me a life as a collective "aww" echoed in the background.

DJ EEBlank promised that it was not going to be easy, and he kept true to his word, pumping up the sounds and mixing up the beats as he score escalated. Surprisingly complimentary to the intensity of the game, his beats; only a little less surprising that realizing that your boss has a talent in DJ-ing perhaps.

DJ EEBlank aka The Boss

But he was up against more than a mere mortal; he was up against the Immortal himself, a Gaming Colossus conditioned to pounding sounds and resonant to the groove of club beats. The beats raised my adrenaline, as the screen filled with enemies and the intensity of the game multiplied. I drew circles around them, I had hit my Limit Break, I had reached my State of Zen, as my mind stopped thinking and pure reflex took over. 800,000... 900,000... 1,000,000, the escalating score was beautifully accompanied by the increasing volume of the "oohs" and "ahs" that followed each beautiful evasion I made.

Yes, this was Geometry Wars, an accurate representation of an era of gaming that has passed us. A era where games were visceral, gameplay concepts were easily grasped by any onlooker, no multipart goals, no endings, no fanciful story lines; just pure skill, reflex and motivation to beat the high score; and the experience came from the core gameplay alone. Not everyone in the room played the game, but everyone sure as hell could appreciate skill when they saw some it being displayed.

I was down to my last life, as the people around me watched with baited breath. There was a general air of tension in the room underneath all the hardcore beats. No one was trying to disrupt my focus anymore, all eyes were on the screen. I pulled my last bomb, clearing the overcrowded screen. I snaked around the screen, a Purple Square flew towards me as I blasted it and turned around quickly to avoid its flying remnants, but right into the path of a red magnet ship. My ship burst into light, the punishing "Game over" screen flashed for all to see, but yet, despite the display words of defeat, it was ultimately a victory. I looked down at the center of the screen to see my final score... 1,683,595.

Applause started ringing behind me, as the audience showed their appreciation for the exciting display of skill and showmanship that I had brought to them. I had done it, I had overcome distraction of bystanders, I had survived the intense sounds of DJ EEBlank, and most importantly, I had conquered Performance Anxiety, and completely put my fear of under-performing to rest. The show was over indeed, I turned around, waved and took a short but fitting bow.

The rest of the night was indulged in a premature celebration. Sure, there could have been any member of the public coming in to attempt to challenge my high score, and wrest the prize from my hands, but I couldn't care less, as I felt that I had already performed to the mark of my expectations, and probably a little blindly confident that 1.6 million was suffice to claim the prize. A galore of White Wine and Whisky Green Tea defined the celebratory mood in me.

Red Marks the Colour of Victory

Later in the night, DJ EEBlank came out of his DJ stand for a drink. Standing next to me at the bar counter, he said "Congratulations, I'm very proud of you," as he raised his wine glass to offer his cheers.

"I'm very proud of myself too," I said haughtily, as the rim of my wine glass clashed with his.

The cab ride home was one suspended in a semi-drunken stupor and a state of semi-disbelief, as I held had my arm around the Prize, joy running through my bones as I laughed to silently laughed to myself for pulling it off. Sure, it was great to win a Nintendo Wii out of nowhere, considering that it was an eventual purchase for me either way, and to have it drop like Manna from Heaven straight into my lap was pure bliss.

You would look this Maniacal too if you were Me.... just maybe not half as Drunk

But the real Prize in the night was the symbolic meaning behind the material prize.

"I like how you did it with so much class . Going in on your 1st try and immediately scoring 1.6 million, while you celebrated the rest of the night away waiting to take the prize home," I recalled Paul's congratulatory words.

Indeed, the Pride that came from the recognition of my excellence in my Passion, the Pride of knowing that I had managed to EARN the biggest material desire on my wish list purely realized by the results of my Passion, was the REAL prize behind it all.

The Pride behind the Prize of Passion... simply Priceless

The Perks of Passion: GCA 2007

7th - 8th September 2007

The Price of Passion is a heavy one, beyond a shadow of a doubt, but that is not to say that Passion doesn't have its perks. 11am-reporting times, official game "research" during office hours and a huge amount of creative freedom; all add salt to the main course of a meaty slab of Pride served with Job Satisfaction on the side.

But once in a Vampiric Blue Moon, there comes a perk that out-perks the rest; the rare Latino Ass with the extra oomph standing out from a throng of flat Chinese Asses, like adolescent boobs starkingly contrasted against wrinkly, middle-aged .... uh, nevermind. The point is, this perk of perks came in the form of the Games Convention Asia 2007 (GCA 2007), and the best part? This Vampire played the part of more than a mere spectator to this industrial showcase.

The Asian leg of an international games convention normally held in Leipzig, Germany, GCA 2007 was the inaugural convention held in Asia, with separate showrooms for public audiences and business purposes. Since, the Count is now officially one foot into the grave, uh, door, of the industry, I had access to the oh-so-cool limited access business side. It was heart-warming to see so many familiar faces; members of the same cohort, but in different aspects of the industry. It fed my sense of faux-professionalism to chat with other members of the industry as if I knew what the hell I was talking about, asking seemingly intelligent questions, and seeing the projects in development in the local industry. Of particular notice were the much-hyped Lone Wolf game, which is shaping up to be looking mighty impressive; and the projects by Mikoishi, a company which clearly seemed to know what it was doing.

But the public exhibition centre was where the action was REALLY at. Big names such as EA, Sony and Nintendo all took the effort to invest in huge floorspace at the convention. With lame peformances gracing the stage from time to time, numerous games on display for preview or playtesting, and a pool of the public getting absorbed by the razzle and dazzle of each booth, the showroom was a chaotic flurry of light and sound. But perhaps, this is what gaming is about, an indulgant sensory overload.

The most interesting project for me wasn't any of the commercial games available for demo playtesting or preview purposes, but rather a rather cool F1 Racer that uses 4-D technology from NYP. The racer had 3-screens used to display graphics, and a force feedback wheel akin to a Ferarri 355-arcade cabinet, but the secret weapon of the project was revealed under the hands of a REALLY sucky driver. Driving his car onto the grass persistently, a machine was triggered to release smoke to simulate the engine damage, and it convincingly smelt like a burnt engine. I mean, yes, I've always pictured 4-D gaming to become a reality in the near future, but a working demo of the technology in use opened up the floodgates of imagination in my mind; always the designer, I am.

One man's Folly is another Man's Wisdom

Nintendo had the hands-down most impressive booth, and if using the booth as any indication of the effort that Nintendo intends to put into the Asian market, then it must be really set to woo the consumers with the Wii and the DS. With a simple floor layout, erected posters landmarking the rich history of its consoles, and with memorable Nintendo characters on the backside of each of these "educational" posters, it was almost to bring a tear to my Nintendo-fan-eyes.

Lighter? I seriously doubt it.

But the real reason to be crying had to be Nintendo's choice to litter their booth with secondary-school-ish gals hired to attract people to the booth to humiliated themselves by looking stupid playing the Wii games on demo. My most humiliating moment? Dying in Metroid Prime: Corruption and telling the Booth Babe (Chick, might be more appropriate here) that "that room [was] really dark."

I'd bet they think I suck at Metroid

Overall, the entire convention was a little underwhelming and somewhat disappointing as exhibition hall had a little to much breathing room for the relatively sparse crowd, giving a sense of emptiness, beneath all that sound and fury. Aside from the big names, there was not much else to see, and there sure as hell were no major groundbreaking announcements or key-figure conferences. If GCA was meant to be a leg of the international Games Convention, then it was probably more prosthetic than anything else. But given that it was the inaugural convention in Asia, let's hope it picks up in the years to come.

But little of this mattered to the primate in me, as over the course of the 2-days, I began to give in to my more primal instincts and allowed Lust to oust Passion in the fight for centre-stage of my focus and attention; resulting in an increased focus on the Booth Babes surrounding and wandering the booths than anything that actually was on display in the booths. Sure, Passion has its perks alright, and probably come in the form of perky tits and asses.

Nokia Attempts to mask the Shortcomings of the new N-gage behind a REALLY Tall Model

You would be Smirking in Glee too

The Price of Passion

"You're characteristically late," she said, as I drew my seat to take my place. She lifted the tea cup with her wrinkled hands, lifting them to her visibly dry lips as she took a sip out of the cup. We both peered out of the window in silence, overlooking a view of the surrounding city landscape.

"I heard that you've been praying to the Almighty, my son," she said, breaking the silence with a calm and somewhat callous tone.

"Yes, I have, amazingly," I responded in perfect composure, fitting for my dignified conversational partner. "I've been praying for some form of guidance, now that I have an option lying before me; I've been wondering if this is really what's meant for me."

"I know that you've been striving for this for forever now, to pursue your passion," she said with a little sparkle in her weary eyes. "I remember the time when you were, what? 18? And with all the childish fervour, you said..."

"I'm gonna try to do what I can here to get as close to becoming a Game Designer as I can, and for the rest, I will probably have to go abroad to cover the rest of the distance." I rudely completed with sentence with a stirring sense of excitement.

"Foolishly naive, my son, foolishly naive. But I guess that's what dreams are about; where passion is priority and logic & reasoning take second place. But maybe, just maybe, that is what I like about you; the rawness in your pursuit for passion," she said with a wry, tilted smile.

"Perhaps..." I said sheepishly.

"It must be a Godsend to you for this opportunity now, all without having to leave the comfort of familiar shores. But still, before you make a choice, I have to warn you of the possible consequences of your potential choices," she said sternly.

I nodded slowly in acknowledgement.

"In short, you have two choices: the high road is the road to riches; you'll be entering the rat race and climbing the corporate ladder. Your success will be measured in socially well-defined terms: your career standing and your monetary income, which in turn buys you the high life and all the fancy things you will probably want. It's not going to be easy, you'll burn weekends, lose sleep, and all. But you have the advantage of youth on your side, and more importantly, your uncle; and I have to say, myself as well, think you have the potential to achieve success if you so choose this path."

"I would think so too," I said cockily, earning myself a rather resentful glare from the piercing eyes hidden beneath the telling signs of age.

"The other path," she continued, "is the path of passion; the low road. Obviously, you would be pursuing something that you're passionate about, or at least, you think you are passionate about, very probably against the better understanding of many, if not, most of the people around you. But seriously, how much are you willing to pay for this passion? Have you fully considered the Price of Passion?"

I listened earnestly as she continued. "Foremost, is the Opportunity Cost. Would you be willing to bear a monetary opportunity cost of AT LEAST a good $500 monthly, possibly more if you so choose to take the high road, all in the name of passion?"

Before I had time to answer, she continued, "And what about Prospects? Would you want to risk entering a fledgling industry, one in which its very existence in the local context is not assured for, say, even the next 5 years or so? Would you choose to take this risk over the stability you could find on the high road, or any other established industry for that matter?" she probed.

"Not to mention the Possibility of relocation. Even though you manage to avert going overseas to pursue your passion for the time-being; in the long-run, more likely than not, you would still have to leave the comfort of all that you've grown to be familiar with in order to further pursue this path," she stated.

"And of course, considering your character, there is the issue of Pride. Are you willing to shelf your pride, biting the bullet to take the lowest income amongst your peers? Think about it, if done right, the high road could make you one of the leaders of inducing envy from societal-defined perspectives. Are you not tempted by this possibility?" she challenged.

I sat there deeply in thought, staring at the lipstick mark on her coffee cup. It was red, a bright shade of red suitable for one of her age and stature. The validity of her words sank into my soul as I continued to ponder.

"You probably need time to think about what you REALLY want, my son." She interrupted my binding chains of thought. "My job here is merely to paint the bigger picture of the potential consequences of your available choices; and in this case, it was integral to state to you the full Price of Passion, before you decide to ransom any form of time or commitment. But still, at the end of the day, it is YOUR choice to make, and no one Else's. After all, Man makes his own *ahem* Destiny," she sniggered.

"Oh, look at the time. I really must be going, you're not the only one who has or needs a Date with Destiny; so many more are in need of my wise counsel at the crucial points of their lives, don't you think? And I only have so much time for each one of you children." she said somewhat condescendingly, as she rose from her chair.

I rose from my chair in accompaniment.

"It was a pleasure, my son. Take all the time that you need to ponder about your Destiny, and when you're ready, choose the life that you want to lead, I trust you'll make the right choice" she said solemnly.

"The pleasure was mine, m'lady. I think I know which way I'm headed now." I courteously replied.

"Jeremy," she bidded, as she stretched out her white-gloved hand.

"Lady Destiny." I replied, as I grabbed her hand in a soft handshake.

She turned around to walk away, but not before turning back to say one last thing. "Oh, and for the record, I did give you a little more time that my other dates, simply because.... I like you. You've always dared to Dream, and I like that in a person," she said with a slight chuckle in her voice, as she disappeared from my sight.

I stood there for a few moments, thinking of the conversation that had just transcended. Collecting my thoughts with the aid of a deep breath, I turned around to walk towards the lift lobby. Staring at the buttons, I paused to think for a few moments, before confidently reaching out to press the "Down" button. I took the low road.

Dream On, Dream On, Dream until your Dreams come True.