Friday, 9 October 2009

Consumed by that which Burns within You...

Earlier in the week, my posted Facebook status was:

"Jeremy Kang finds it a tad ironic that working in the Games Industry curbs his gaming addiction."

And this has probably got to be the oddest thing, as while I used to HAVE to play once at least every 48 hours (most of the time it was 24), these days I only find myself doing nothing save for work and sleep.

While of course, it is debatable that my work is play (my own game at least), but there's a different between playtest and simply just play, and little by little, I cannot help but feel that the fire that burns within me is slowly consuming me, for better or worse, very probably worse.

It's quite a bit of a contradiction, as I don't think I've ever felt so *ahem* efficient, and I am somewhat amazed at how much discipline I have inculcated myself over the last few weeks / months. I remember when I first started this entire "work from home" thing, I probably lied to myself along with my boss on how much work I was doing every day, justifying to myself the amount of work done purely measured by its "quality", and I felt that I could rest on my laurels after simply finishing up after 4 hours of work.

It's a bit strange how I got from there to now, where I don't think I should be working so hard, but somehow I am. In the last 3 weeks, I have become Producer, Designer, QA, part-time Programmer, part-time Artist and most recently, even part-time Audio person in my current project, very much not by choice, but by necessity.

On that note, it is also quite a pity that one man's effort is not enough to carry a 4-man project through, no matter how much that one man stretches himself, and on a certain note, I've given up trying and hoping for a four-fold multiplication of my commitment and effort, but that is a different matter altogether.

Couple that with my immortal body, and I somehow I've become a endless workhorse, able to put in pure 14-16 work days for a straight days, weekdays and weekends, almost to the point that I don't even feel at ease just sitting there and just... playing.

I don't think I am going to lose my first love that is gaming, and of course, that comes from the fun in the actual playing first, but little by little, I'm starting to wonder why is it that I only feel the urge to work, and not play, and to the point that I only stop when my body shuts down on me.

Of course, things aren't getting any better as school has just restarted, and I am on a heavier load this semester, but still, my heart still very much goes into working on the game whenever I can dig out any pockets of time, to the point that I wonder if I am already immune to my bodily alerts of knowing when to stop.

Working too hard? Perhaps. But perhaps, this is what it is really like to be an indie-game developer, without the safety welfare umbrella of a larger studio.

I haven't had very much time for anything else, be it wanting to blog about some overdue events for the longest time, or really just spend some quiet time with those that I love; but something at the back of my mind just tells me that: "I only have these remaining days to work on this, after that, it's pointless even if I want to."

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one that feels this way at all, or the only one that is taking it so seriously, and I can just be like anyone else, and just take it "as a job", "as a sideline" or something and just hands-off whenever I think I am "suitably worked".

But of course, those that know me any better know that I have the worst sense of balance and moderation in life, and only seem to live on extremes. Of course, those same people also probably know that if I believe in something, I will stop at nothing to work towards it.

And no matter how lost the cause it might be, I just want to follow-through and give a good finish to what I am doing now. Whether it will be enough in the end or not, I just want to know that I did everything I humanly could, and perhaps even more beyond that.

Of course, I know that things are only going to pile up on some ends, and can sense that they are going to fall apart on others; but something just pushes me to just keep moving forward.

"Drive" is probably the most suitable of terms here, and I can assuredly say, that I have in spades; spades big enough to dig my own grave perhaps.

They say: "It is always darkest before dawn", and I cannot think of anything better to believe in as I sit staring and getting lost in the Fire of my own Passion, waiting for that much-awaited sunrise.