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Departure
Fashionably late (as usual), a morning coke, and my entourage and I were all set to fly 7 hours across the Pacific Ocean to the Land of the Rising Sun. The 7 hours passed easily with the help of in-flight movies such as "Music and Lyrics" (ironic that I ended up catching it on the plane in the end after all the trouble went to getting hold of it) and "Stomp the Yard" ("I've never seen stepping like this before!!" Yeah, whatever you say, "Dog"). The meal was simply FANTASTIC, dubbed "SQ Beef" by the entourage and I; the beef was seasoned appropriately, but I was digging for the chainsaw in the utensils packet for slicing the beef. As usual, the stewardesses ain't that hot, but were at least they were nice enough to keep spamming me with orange juice throughout the flight, to quench my vampiric thrist from *ahem* other fluids.
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Arrival
Upon arrival in Osaka, we met up with our tour guide proper, a 40-ish Hongkie with a receding hairline; STARK contrast to the cute Japan-Hour-esque Jap chic with the high-pitched whiny voice we were expecting to hear for the next 7 days. But well, he had his own uses I guess, since not being local, he would be less inclined to "sell" Japan, and provide a probably more insightful (albeit biased) view of the Japanese people. For easy reference, I will refer to his as Chin-Chin (Japanese lingo for: Dick), based on this joke that he was making about this.
The bus ride gave us a glimpse of a Japanese city landscape. The one thing that struck me was how "grey" their whole landscape looked, and a very even shade at that. But upon reflection, it could partially be because of how clean the whole city looked that made everything looked so grey and even. As we transversed the roads of Osaka, we were wondering why was it such a ghost town at 4 plus in the afternoon. Where were all the Jap schoolgals or hot chics or anything? Seems like all we were seeing were Obasans and Obaasans.
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@Shinsaibashi
All those worries were nullified in a matter of seconds upon stepping out to the shopping district in Osaka, Shinsaibashi. I was totally smittened by the contrast between the scene before my eyes and the scene from the bus. People, beautiful people, filled the streets. Guys with long, dyed, styled hair, some pulling off the rock star look, others with the out-of-bed look. And the chics... WOO! Hot as Hell!!! I was practically turning my head once every 5 gals I think. Most popular looks were the Ayumi Big-dyed-hair-with-huge-shades look, and the Koda Kumi tanned look. But either way, now THAT looked like the Japan of my fantasies.
Navigating the walkways and shops of Shinsaibashi led us to some rather interesting discoveries such as a Takoyaki-making machine and some weird ass snacks. But what caught my attention was this, a cigarette vending machine. Like all other East Asians, the Japanese population are heavy smokers as well, apparently; thus the need for such extravagance in convenience towards shortening their lifespans. 
Back at the Hotel Plaza Osaka, the minions and I decided to experiment with the famous Japanese Ass Spray. The controls consisted of three BIG buttons, that write "Stop", "Spray" (with a picture of an Ass being sprayed) and "Bidet" (whatever the hell THAT means), oh.. and one button that adjusts the pressure of the water. So there we were, spamming the bloody spray button but nothing seemed to happen. Then I decided to kneel on the toilet seat, which activated some sorta mini-flush and I pressed the "Bidet" button instead.
The next thing I knew, I heard a mechanical extending sound and I saw a tube extend out of the toilet bowl. My vampiric senses went berserk as I sensed the impending humiliation of getting ass sprayed by the damn "Bidet," so I instinctive strafed to my left. Wilbert was smart enough to see what I did and hugged the wall as well. Siwei and Zhenfeng were still puzzled as to what happened. And only picked up the cue when they saw the water spraying towards them in a glorious arch. We were all bowling over with laughter at the end of it.
But seriously, I did give it a try later that night. And the bastard who used it before me left the pressure at max. So when I "bidet-ed" myself, it was REALLY unsettling, like getting ass-fucked (not like I know what its like to be ass-fucked... but I would imagine its pretty close.) But either way, I got more used to it as I used it more (probably how people get used to getting ass-fucked as well). The Japanese are geniuses though, they even considered using your body warmth to warm the water that sprays your ass. Anyhow, I'm quite sure I found my solution to my old-age-ass-swiping woes, inclusive of seat-warming.
Oh, another sign of the Japanese ingenuity is reflected in their space-toilet design. Even though its DAMN small, and bloody cramp (I could have sworn I hit the walls more than 20 times when I was drying my corpse in the shower), the toilet is designed in such a way such that bathtub sink and toilet bowls are all linked. If I translated what Chin-chin said correctly (since Vampires don't speak Chinese), the purpose of this is in the case of an Earthquake, the toilet is shelter and the structure of the toilet is such that the walls are reinforced or something.
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Love at First Sight
The night ended with the entourage taking a tour around the neighbourhood of our abode. Of interest was the first sightings of the Love Hotels, complete with gaudy and blinding lights to catch the attention of the lusty male ruled by his member. OBVIOUSLY, I couldn't resist the temptation, but I had my regal image to maintain in front of the entourage. So, I sadly, settled for photos (albeit taken with DISTINCT glee, but I assure you there was nothing on my DISTINGUISHED mind).
Love Hotel
Nothing on My Mind
Since I failed to satisfy one bodily organ, I had to AT LEAST try to satisfy another. A visit to 7-11 reaped some Japan-exclusive snacks for the night. Baked-potato Pringles, Green Tea and Cacao Kit-Kat were hardly any substitute for the fantasies that were rolling out in my mind (despite chocolates' said ability to simulate sexual gratitifaction), but oh well... nothing like a bottle of Poison to put the Vampire's woes to rest.
Poor Substitutes
Panacea
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