Dark Metamorphosis: Stage I - The Over-Achiever

met·a·mor·pho·sis   /ˌmɛtəˈmɔrfəsɪs/

1. Biology . a profound change in form from one stage to the next in the life history of an organism, as from the caterpillar to the pupa and from the pupa to the adult butterfly. Compare complete metamorphosis.

2. a complete change of form, structure, or substance, as transformation by magic or witchcraft.

3. any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances, etc.

 

Metamorphosis. Caterpillars to butterflies.

 

"Profound" is definitely the ideal word here to describe the process of change from a wormy green caterpillar to a dazzlingly beautiful butterfly. 4 different stages to become a butterfly, and as a striking parallel, so too can my life be divided into 4 different stages before the Immortal Vampire of today took his Flight of Darkness.

 
 As with all things, it all starts with an egg; and in me, deeply implanted was an egg of ambition...
 
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The class gathered round and waited with bated breath as she held the stack in her hands. The warm afternoon sun peered in through the open windows, as sweat from most of our bodies had visibly penetrated and soaked through some portions of our uniforms - uniforms that we would wear for the very last time, but at that moment, none of us really made a conscious effort to realise or remember, as all our gazes were fixated on the stack.

 

She reached down into the stack, and drew the first sheet out, announcing the top score, and a name - my name. 

 

Shock, awe, joy, fulfilment; all came rushing in at the same time. Applause from all around, as the friends around me patted me on the shoulder and the back. My (then) best friend and closest rival held my neck, wanting to drive my head into the table; partially in jest, but perhaps partially as an outlet to vent his frustrations on the eventual outcome.

 

I had left as I had came, marking the first and the last years being at the top of the class - the cohort in fact; and at the moment, all the years in between where I had "fallen" started to fade away from my mind - all the tears I shed, the disappointment I endured, and the envy in my eye as I saw my peers race ahead in front of me; all just dissipated with that One Moment of Glory.

 

That was my world; that was when it mattered - when it mattered more than anything else. Means never mattered, only the Ends did; Results over Process. That was me, implanted deeply with the eggs of ambition, wanting to be the best at everything I did, of worse, at everything period.

 

The role-model student on the stage reciting the pledge - that was me. The group leader and overall in-charge of the boy scouts - that was me. The class monitor who gained the trust of the teachers - that was me. The swimmer who raced towards the finish line during the weekly swimming lessons - that was me. The one who stood out as the natural leader among my peers - that was me.   

 

I had my hands in many different cookie jars simultaneously, and in each cookie jar, I wanted nothing but the best cookies. It was often about the competition, but it was always about the victory. Rivalries abound in everything that we did, finding any form or basis for comparison. Victories were always sweet, but defeats were all the more bitter, often too bitter to stomach.

 

I remember the first time that I had fallen from grace, and fell to a rank of sixth from first, tears ran down my face with no restraint, as the reality sank in and my peers watched on as I took it in, as I took it all in. My (then) best friend still tells me this day that he never forgot that sight, and even felt bad for actually doing better than me, when in retrospect, it was my fault firstly, and secondly, and more importantly, it doesn't matter anymore when you look back at it now.

 

But yet, that was me; and that was my world then. I thought the world to be my oyster, and myopically, I believed that I had the world in my hands to shape; a world full of ambition, a world full of ideals, a world full of hope, a world full of confidence, and a world that was about to be shaken drastically in the years to come...

 

I sprinted across the familiar fields in exhilaration and joy, wanting to rush home the soonest possible to share the good news with those I loved. The uniformed onlookers muttered words like "crazy" under their breath through the weird stares they gave as I whizzed by. But it didn't seem to matter, I was the King of the World at that moment, and more importantly, I was definitely going at a pace too fast for any of them.

 

Perhaps I ran a little too fast that day, too fast for myself even, as in my mad dash ahead, I seemed to have left something behind on the green grassy fields that very day; I left a part of me behind that was never to be found again...

 

 

Delusions of Greatness-to-Come

Many Different Seeds