Caught in the Middle; Not Ready to Move

In almost exactly 2 months, I will be turning 28. But more so than an early reminder on getting me a present, and more importantly so, I can only sit and ponder the implications that come with the coming of age.

Simple math dictates that 28 is simply 30 minus 2, which means, in 2 years' time, I will be turning 30, that of a new era, or what most would believe.

Over the last year or so, and more so now that I've entered the world of Full-time Employment , I am starting to better comprehend what does this all mean - what does turning 28 mean. It simply means that... I am 10 years or so away from most of my students; and incidentally, 10 years or so away from the average age of my colleagues (at least those not in the same "creativity-driven" department as I am).

It is quite a weird spot to be in, in actual fact, as on one side, the populace is of a general immaturity, and dealing with things I have long put behind - self-confidence, insecurities, group politics and of course, raging hormones; and on the other end, there are those that have solidified a self-impression that leaves them rather oblivious to everything around them, with issues of self-righteousness, self-justification, self-indulgence, and not forgetting politics (which seems to be one thing that doesn't change regardless of which stage of life you're in).

But at the same time, it's quite a good spot to be in. Those below look up to you somewhat, knowing that you are senior, but still relevant, since it was not too long ago that you were dealing with the issues they struggle with on a daily basis; and those on top, look down on your in a nurturing manner, perhaps seeing a tinge of themselves in you as they try to give you a little boost every now and then.

In a sense, I am literally Caught in the Middle, but ironically, for once, feel like the bridge between the generations - a transitional generation, if you must - as I creep up on the big 3-0. Of course, being at this stage means I am subject to the things only described in Human Geography Textbooks, pressure to support the elder generation, and nurture the younger generation and all that bull.

Never one to consider things on such a macro-level, on a more personal note, I feel that with my recent full-time employment, I can't help but feel "older". No more are the days of just living to get by, going where the wind blows, and doing the things that call out to me; instead replaced by words such as "duties", "responsibilities", "goals", "targets", "plans", etc.

A stable income for an 8-5 routine - the most conventional trade of the working society. Perhaps I have been playing Peter Pan, and running away from all of it for too long (or at least what most conventional minds would think). But still, play Peter Pan for long enough, and you will eventually learn how to fly, above conventions at least. So yes, while I am now bounded by the chains of the grind, there are some things that you just can't outgrow - they just grow with you.

Game design is still my first love. And no, I would not be teaching regardless of the price tag if it were anything but game design.  And yes, I am still every bit the dreamer and idealist that I was, only thing is that I have learnt to take a more practical approach to it (but more on this in a future post).

Of course with "now" established, the question is then of "next". Where do you go from here?

A recent conversation at a wedding brought up the age old question, "When is it your turn?"

In almost a tone of mockery, my proud reply was, "Anywhere between Not-so-soon to Never."

This drew chuckles from the table, married or not married-alike, and those who know me a bit better wouldn't find the reply all that surprising coming from me.

But to go a bit deeper into this, the rationale is not one that is very complex. At an age where the norm is that to settle down with a partner, or even (*gasp*) start a family, my reason for not succumbing to the pressures adhering to this norm - as the wedding invitations fly into my mailbox and faces of friends on my Facebook mysteriously get replaced by literal Baby-Face - is simply: "I'm not ready."

I'm not ready to move. Not ready to move out of the shell of myself to be anything more than myself. Not ready to be someone's "husband", someone's "lifetime", or worst still, someone's "father"; not ready to have any other words tagged to me other than that of which the world already knows me by; not ready to be anything other than "Jeremy Kang".

Selfish? Maybe. I've never been anywhere near the opposite of that, perhaps. Or maybe, just a bit socially retarded, as my so-called "career" continues to move at low-gear in contrast to my peers. But then again, I've always been comfortable marching to the beat of my own drum, and unless I receive a sudden (or you could say, further) epiphany, things probably won't be changing quite for a while. 

Then again, maybe life IS just getting started at 28, as a conversation with the girlfriend over dinner might imply...

Me: "You know how I believe those "great" people seem to be good at almost everything that they do?"

She: "Yeah, I know that. Why?"

Me: "I think I am just starting to reach that stage in life". *Cheeky Grin*.

She: *Rolls Eyes*.

- While some Marching Band keeps its own Beat in my head while we're Talking -